another one of those restless nights.

i never realized it.. but its good to have these blog things in a way i guess its my own way to vent to people without actually dumping the weight of my problems on to their shoulders but at the same time cuz its public i can always be open to advice. anyways... i still cant shake this awkward feeling ive been getting these days... i mean its not like im depressed or unhappy cuz hell ull see me smiling most of the time u see me cuz thats just who i am :]... but this is the side of me that ive been trying to hold down and figure out myself... and i just cant figure it out anymore.. it feels like theres this hole... and i just cant figure it out... Its like back when life was simple, fun, ignorant to the messed up world everything was happy.. i was on track with God, healthy, everyone was CLEAN, diligent, life was good. but now days i just dont get it... WHY CANT I GET ON TRACK anymore... like i feel like such a hypocrite these days saying I WANT to CHANGE now... but give it an hour or two and the mind set of change turns into i dont give a crap. I have no intention of writing a cheesy blog about LIFE that just seems deep and cool... this is what i think and im sick of feeling like a derailed train headed straight for a cliff.. the question is how do i get the train on track again... it just makes me stumble and makes me feel empty that i cant fix this problem. i want this hole in my life to filled up again... i guess i basically need God i need that certain revival again. All i can do is put 100% effort into change and learn about the word.. and pray "God please grant me the strength to turn from the influences, give me the strength to be the CHANGE, give me the strength to not be a hypocrite but rather a respected, caring, genuine friend to everyone and at the same time a holy (set apart) christian." I want a revival.. not just to myself but for EVERYONE.. haha remember the times when retreat or missions would just end and EVERYONE would be on fire for God doing the RIGHT thing all the time... i want that.. i want that so badly.. just how... how can i change.. how can people change.. God i pray you can help me start by being the influence now... i wanna devout myself to constantly become the change... damn thats so repetitive by now..."change" but ay i guess thats the theme in my life these days.. things have turned for the worse so now i want change. I want to be a pastor when i grow up.. and i used to wonder what can i say to change people. And i figured lately.. turns out i do have a testimony.. in a way its all about change.. accepting God is all about a 180 degree turn away from sin.. Its such a struggle to be a christian.. but what separates Christians from non believers is the fact that we TRY to change we LOVE God and although we dont get saved by actions.. because of the love we have for God we exert that love ina physical form to show the world Gods love and to ultimately serve him... haha time to mature...